Looking back on the past two years, I realized that I have been running from something so dark, so fearless and untamed that it even earned itself a name. It was like a beast was living inside of me that couldn't wait to attack whenever it had the chance. When this monster was formed, it was like the rest of me was put to sleep. There were more times when I felt like I was trapped inside a nightmare and couldn't wake up, whereas other times I felt like I was living a dream and didn't want to come out of this deep sleep...
It's hard to clarify what was real, what actually happened and what shouldn't have ever happened, and I am still wading through the fog. I am not sure I will ever be able to connect the dots, but I will take all of the pieces that I do have and try and put them together as best I can...
With that said, two weeks ago I woke up in shock, realizing the depths of my actions. Therefore sending me into a trance of determination seeking immediate change. I realized the condition I was in and made a conscious decision to stop running while trying to escape this life that was no longer mine. It was like I had an epiphany or a light bulb just went off. I wish I could explain the shift in the earth that I felt that day or the current inside of me that was so strong. It was like my wake up call to finally stop and take a rest and feel myself inside my own skin...
In the wake of it all, I am feeling a sense of peace with a touch of pride. It is the calm after the storm and I am relieved to have survived the trauma caused by my own actions. Not discounting the fact that I learned plenty, but assuring that enough was enough...
Looking ahead I am able to move forward without hesitation, knowing that the beast has been conquered. It was only a matter of time before it may have been too late. I feel blessed having realized what could've easily cost me my life, maybe not in death but in a sense that I was headed down a deep dark path that was eventually going to end one way or another. I was not willing to take that risk...
As I sit here, I am wondering how this will impact the rest of my life. Will those around me be able to see that there is indeed another side to me that will compensate for the beast? Will they believe me this time? Do I still have credibility with them? Do they still love me? My head swarms with these questions and I am left with no real answers. I am hoping to take my next few steps and trust that they are there waiting for me, until then...
By: MKV
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