The First Day of The Rest of My Life...

Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. Oh wait! Isn't that every day? I am sitting here, indulging in my incredibly salty Ramen noodle soup that is less than filling and thrilling for the umpteenth time and pondering what could possibly be my future. Like I have anything else to do. Life is funny. It's also incredibly tragic, but I would rather it be funny...

It is a heavily humid Fall evening in October that feels very much like early June. i.e. ridiculously hot. I just put in my two weeks of what was the best job I have ever had. Alas, they didn't give me much of a choice. I live as far west as you can go without getting to Austin and was having to drive close enough to Dallas. I couldn't afford to take four freeways, plus 6 tolls to and from and fill up on gasoline every day. Not to mention having to drop off my precious cargo at her daycare, where they had no qualms about taking both my arms and my legs. I wonder if that would qualify me for disabilty...


I often prayed for time and look, I got it! You would think that one can't complain when you get to sleep in every day and wake up to your sweet toddler's face as she says "good morning mommy, do you have to go to work today?"... but it's not all it's cracked up to be. I am unable to sleep at night, due to worry and stress and I am unable to eat for the same reasons. I guess that works out, because all I can afford are ten packages of Ramen noodle soup only because HEB had discontinued the already tasteless flavor. Ultimate low? Hmm, I thought I was already there...

As I stir my spoon in my cold soup to match the pattern of my brainwaves, the noodles are getting bigger and so is my headache. My only question right now is, do I save what's left of this dreadful soup for tomorrow's breakfast or do I toss it and just not eat at all? I think I will go with "B". Meanwhile my daughter is sitting on the couch watching the ever so annoying, yet very entertaining (to her) Nick Jr. and eating her peanut butter and crackers. She loves them. I consider myself lucky because that's the only other option in this house. Besides the sour milk from last week and the half eaten carton of eggs from three months ago. MTV, sorry to disappoint...

What to do, what to do? That's all I keep asking myself. I have updated my resume, sent it out to the world, "networked" with anyone who is willing to listen and gone on four interviews. Why are the God's against me? Or more so the odds? Granted, it's 2011 but I would rather have this be my year, since next year the world is going to end...

My legs are getting stronger from this constant uphill battle, which I guess is the only reason I am able to push forward, literally! After all, I have come this far, there is no way I am quitting now, OR have I? It sure would be nice to stop and take a rest, at least for a little while. Then this leads me to question, is this the rest that I have been asking for, cause I sure haven't slept a wink...

Every day I have an agenda set for myself, to keep me from going completely insane or shall I say, even more insane. The truth is, it still doesn't pay the bills and certainly doesn't do anything for my ego. Where is Kate, who is Kate, this is what I ask of myself. No one really knows, they just think they do. I left my last job for a multitude of reasons, but mainly for the fact that I was working for free. Secondly, for the fact that I couldn't breathe without someone saying something ugly about me, or pretending that I was either a gold digger or still in love with my ex-husband. None of which are true. If that was the case, I wouldn't be sitting here eating Ramen noodle soup...

People don't always understand the impact they have on others, whether it be positive or negative. In this case, it did nothing for me except push me closer to the ledge. Luckily I am afraid of heights. With that being said, I had to find an escape route. You would think working as close to the airport as I was, that I could've easily stepped on a plane to go anywhere but here. Alas, I didn't. I actually decided to drive all of the way home and wait for Calgon to take me away...

So far it hasn't left the dock and it leaves me here, counting down the hours throughout the extremely long day in hopes that a miracle might happen, or at least that someone will send me a Starbucks giftcard in the mail. At this point, someone might have, but I have stopped checking my mail. Hmm, which reminds me, I wonder if the post office is hiring? No worries, I move too fast for them to even consider me a candidate...

Moving right along, if only I could keep up with the rapid thoughts that are running through my mind of how am I going to make it to tomorrow?! Honestly, I have no clue, do you?? Unsolicited advice is still accepted at this time, regardless of what my initial reaction might be. In fact, I have created a "suggestions box" by my front door, next to my Welcome mat. Disregard the social inappropriate Beagles that just want to go home with anyone willing...

The devil on my left shoulder suggests that maybe I should have been the one to have runaway from home and not take any responsibility for all of my actions, but as we know, home is where the heart is. Geez, I can't catch a break. Maybe I should start eating more Kit Kat. Believe me, I had my fair share when I was (pardon me)"happily married" and eight months prego. I hadn't a care in the world, that resembled the reality that is now my life...

Right as I pick up my wooden stick with the the bandana tied to the end and have one foot out of the door, my little girl comes up to me and gives me a warm bear hug and a sloppy wet kiss and tells me that she loves me. Once again, I have been saved by Audrey Grace. I place my baggage down, if you will and sit down next to her. She then climbs up into my lap, where I look into her eyes and say, "baby, I love you too!" With her confused look of mommy, where are you going? I ask myself the same...

By: MKV

Slient Suffering

I sit here quietly, I'm focused on the truth
You no longer care, or was it that you never wanted to

My body aches from the pain I feel inside
Not wanting to speak, and only hide behind these eyes.

I don't know how you sleep at night
After you swore to me that everything would be alright

Every day I am suffering silently
While you throw painful words at me violently

The lengths that I went for you
Top anything that you said you would do.

I'm over it, I'm done
But why am I preaching, cause you already started to run

Where did you go, why did you leave
What happened to us, my heart still bleeds

I continue to sit here quietly
All the while suffering silently.

-MKV

The Beast Inside Me...

Looking back on the past two years, I realized that I have been running from something so dark, so fearless and untamed that it even earned itself a name. It was like a beast was living inside of me that couldn't wait to attack whenever it had the chance. When this monster was formed, it was like the rest of me was put to sleep. There were more times when I felt like I was trapped inside a nightmare and couldn't wake up, whereas other times I felt like I was living a dream and didn't want to come out of this deep sleep...

It's hard to clarify what was real, what actually happened and what shouldn't have ever happened, and I am still wading through the fog. I am not sure I will ever be able to connect the dots, but I will take all of the pieces that I do have and try and put them together as best I can...

With that said, two weeks ago I woke up in shock, realizing the depths of my actions. Therefore sending me into a trance of determination seeking immediate change. I realized the condition I was in and made a conscious decision to stop running while trying to escape this life that was no longer mine. It was like I had an epiphany or a light bulb just went off. I wish I could explain the shift in the earth that I felt that day or the current inside of me that was so strong. It was like my wake up call to finally stop and take a rest and feel myself inside my own skin...

In the wake of it all, I am feeling a sense of peace with a touch of pride. It is the calm after the storm and I am relieved to have survived the trauma caused by my own actions. Not discounting the fact that I learned plenty, but assuring that enough was enough...

Looking ahead I am able to move forward without hesitation, knowing that the beast has been conquered. It was only a matter of time before it may have been too late. I feel blessed having realized what could've easily cost me my life, maybe not in death but in a sense that I was headed down a deep dark path that was eventually going to end one way or another. I was not willing to take that risk...

As I sit here, I am wondering how this will impact the rest of my life. Will those around me be able to see that there is indeed another side to me that will compensate for the beast? Will they believe me this time? Do I still have credibility with them? Do they still love me? My head swarms with these questions and I am left with no real answers. I am hoping to take my next few steps and trust that they are there waiting for me, until then...

By: MKV