Back to Square One...

So I am sitting next to the window in my office trying to feel the warmth of the sunshine through the double panes, attempting to forget the fact that I still have four more hours of monotony ahead of me. I have a beautiful “lake view” but the excitement of the children exiting the school bus in the neighborhood kind of take away the general affect. As they all race towards their homes, my mind starts to wander off...

It takes me to that place where I left off this morning, when I woke up feeling amazingly refreshed after a full eight hours of sleep, oh wait no that was my dream within my dream. I don’t remember the last time I actually had a solid eight hours of sleep! So, it takes me to that place where I woke up feeling like my life was somewhat back to normal, whatever that may be, as if I still had a helpful loving husband and my daughter was in her own bed not kicking me in the middle of the night. I miss those days, they were so simple, or so they seemed...

I stop myself and push him off the edge of my mind and collect my thoughts. I force myself to focus on the water, and I pretend like I am somewhere else, hoping to escape just for a little while. My surroundings are a constant reminder of what happiness felt like, the swaying of the trees, the mere sound the leaves, my heart breaks a little more, and I’m back to square one...

So I start to question, how is it that I can pull through an entire day and feel like I am on top of the world, and then the next thing you know, Tuesday hits and I am missing my previous life. I don’t get it. There is no love left for me to give, and there is no way that I could ever forgive him. Yet, somewhere my heart still bleeds, yearning for that feeling of family...

I revisit my first train of thought of when I awakened from my last dream. I try and feel the way that I did right when I woke up, it was so freeing, yet the feeling is gone. It is replaced with nothing, and suddenly the warmth of the sun through the windows starts to burn. I take a second glimpse of the water hoping for a different experience, yet it just brings me back to the entirety of it all, this is my reality, and I'm back to square one...