Too Much Time, Too Lil' Wine...

It's barely 3 o’clock and I am sitting here wishing it were already 6pm. I am staring out of the French doors of my office where the windows are filled with fog and droplets of water from the long awaited rainstorm and wishing I were curled up on my couch with a warm blanket watching chick flicks or catching up on the rest of my Chelsea Lately that I have permanently saved on my DVR. The rain has subsided and the flowers have gained most of their color back. I will say that It thrills me to know that I don't have to rush home, drag the hose out and spend the rest of the evening watering my lawn. Although these days, I have learned to cope with lugging the heavy sprinkler around if I have a glass of wine waiting for me inside or if my gal pal across the street joins me in watering her lawn, but more importantly joins me in sipping a glass and gossiping. Girl talk never gets old. I often ask myself, why didn't I think of this before?? Life is too short, so consider prolonging it with a glass of Red...

As the time slowly passes I get more and more anxious, but I would really love to see a human being at least once today who wants to consider the possibility of buying a new home, hell I'd even go for just showing them all of the pretty décor that we have inside the model home... cause the monotony of doing nothing is killing me! Meanwhile I have the sound of cars zooming along the Westpark Tollway and well...yeah, that's about it. So I sit here, desperately wondering if maybe I should go set up a lemonade stand out on the corner to lure potential buyers but then again it is cold and rainy...

Knowing that I hate the cold, the idea quickly faded into dust and it brings me to a random thought that wow, Thanksgiving is only 22 days away, crazy! Weren’t we just welcoming twenty-ten?? So much for that diet I was going to attempt "tomorrow" so, I guess it will have to wait until 2011. I'd hate to starve myself during the most vital time of eating...and with Christmas quickly following after that, I know that it would just be torturous and unfair to let others down by not eating their beloved treats. Honestly, the thought of eggnog already has me foaming at the mouth, as if the Pumpkin Spice Latte wasn't enough...

Oy vey which reminds me, I am totally dreading Ash Wednesday and frankly you should too!! I will be without Starbucks for 40 days. “GASP!” (Yes, I know... I am in just as much shock writing this as you were reading it). I am not sure what that will entail, but I CAN assure you that it won't be pretty!! So, knowing that I still have a few months before my drought period, I'd better get it while it's hot...

Having that I've already had my first Starbucks fix for the day and probably year, I don't have much else to look forward to following work. Although, I do like the idea of hitting up the mall for a little retail therapy, you really can't go wrong there... even if you're merely window shopping OR as I like to call it, preparing for Christmas and my birthday...

We shall see what my wild Wednesday night turns into post day labor, but rest assure it will be more than uneventful and borderline exciting...

By: MKV 11/3/10

Freedom speaks volumes...

Today, I sit here thinking about all that has happened over the past year and a half. I can honestly say that I have had more good times than bad and it definitely outweighs the previous year. As I glance back, I remember feeling so helpless and weak, whereas now I am stronger than ever and full of drive...

There was a time where I wouldn't fathom the thought of letting my hair down and now I am unwilling to put it back up! I've met some of the most amazing friends I've ever had in my life and have experienced a lot of new things. I have partied like a rock star no doubt, but I've had the time of my life and that is all that matters, I wouldn't change a thing! I've learned so much about myself and for the very first time, I feel like I am actually free...

Now that I am in my "second" life, I am ready to do things for me. Happiness is a choice, therefore I want to live the way I want to, do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. I didn't have this option before and was certainly being held back. I blame myself for ever allowing that to happen and not letting go initially. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for who I have become...

There is some excitement mixed with fear in contemplating my future and I try and remind myself not to look too far ahead or plan anything. I have learned that my plans are not always what is in store for me and I trust that there is path before me...

I know that I am blessed to have all that I have in my life and ask for nothing more. I am thankful for each day and am at peace with who and where I am at this point. I have accepted the truths that have resulted into this and I try to take each day in stride. For every wish that I have made, I have received yet another blessing...

Freedom speaks volumes and I've finally reached that point. I've gained clarity and inspiration, and I feel that I am capable of doing so much more. I have faced all of my demons and have finally been able to forgive. This being said, I am ready for what is ahead of me and am no longer looking back...

By: MKV

To Change or Not to Change...

The dramatic changes in my life have given me the opportunity to be free and to discover an entirely new side of me. I used to drown in curiosity of the unknown as I was stuck in a position where I was so limited while being held back from who I really wanted to be…

I am now able to sit back and embrace these changes that have allowed me to feel at peace with who and where I am in my station in life. With each door that has closed, a new one has opened. Time has been tough, but it does have a purpose. I am grateful for the path that I have taken for it has routed me here. Even though my heart has been broken, the experiences have helped me learn that without pain, there is no gain…

Now with the world in my hands I am able to enjoy life in ways I never imagined. My eyes have been reopened as I learn to let go of my past. I take it all with a grain of salt and take two steps forward. With the help of new friendships, I no longer rely on the old and I get to share this new side of me that is so free. Looking back I now realize how unhappy I was with the lack of change in my life. Although it is scary, it is all so necessary…

I often think that had things not changed for me at that specific time, the outcome could've been entirely different. It's amazing to me how just one choice can alter everything in your life. I was forced to make certain decisions I wasn't quite ready for, but through all of that I feel I came out light years ahead of where I would have otherwise...

I took what was handed to me and made the best of it. It is still a gamble, but worth the risk. This does not discount the pain, nor does it eliminate the chances, but you can take what you've learned and put it to good use all while creating a whole new you...

I’ve realized that life moves fast and forward with or without you, so you can both jump on the train and hold on tight or you can decide to stand still. Eventually you will have missed so much by remaining motionless. Others will continue to move passed you and time will keep getting smaller. A panoramic view holds nothing to the entirety of it all. I feel so blessed and am so grateful for the change that was thrown upon me. I encourage everyone to take the time to make alterations in their lives because life is too short! I appreciate all that has come before me now, for I take it in fully with my heart and extend my thoughts to you so that you can do the same…

By: MKV
6/30/2010

In the eyes of her...

In the eyes of her
did she see more than just a blur

Could she see her mother's strength
or did she see her heart break

As her father walked away
could she see the smile on his face

As he wiped his hands clean
of a very sad scene
which turned out to be more than just a bad dream

In the eyes of her
her mother is still unsure

Did she cry real tears
or was she just living in fear

Will there be a day where she will be reminded
or was she young enough to just be blinded

As her mother tries to hold it all together
she's always praying for something better

Feeling so defeated
as her father just proceeded
leaving her feeling so unneeded

In the eyes of her
is her daddy just "sir"

Will she wake up one day
and wonder why he went away

Will she ask her mother questions
while learning hard life lessons

I'm sure her mother will take the blame
so she won't have to feel the pain

In the eyes of her
this is what I wonder

By: MKV

Survival of the fittest...

It's been a year and I am proud to say that I survived...

June 12, marks the one year anniversary of my surprising divorce. Wow, how time flies whether you're having fun or not! Looking back, I recall being incredibly scared as I was becoming a single mom and I felt like living one more day was simply impossible. It's funny how things change...

My life was full of devastation and regret, disappointment and betrayal. I remember waking up in shock every morning, thinking to myself "this can't be happening to me" and crying every time I saw myself in the mirror. It didn't help that I had a constant reminder of what "was" whenever I looked at my daughter, but somehow I managed to survive...

To be honest, there were more bad days than good this past year, but I lived through them to tell that there are now more good days than bad! Emotionally I struggled with betratyal and certainly my ego, phyically I was without a warm body to hold me, and mentally I was unprepared for what I was about to have to take on. It took me about a week to get it all out of my system and really get all of my ducks in a row. I surrounded myself with family, which is truly how I was able to pull through. Once that week was up, I made the choice to put my big girl panties on and deal with it...

From then on, I've never looked back and wiped my forehead clean in relief. Having that this choice was made for me, I felt that I needed to embrace what was being handed to me, so I did. Not to discount the fact that I still had memories of what "was", and sad moments remembering happier times, but I can see now that it was all just water under the bridge. It was almost as if it was a dream that I had been living, and then suddenly I woke up and realized it never really existed in the first place, yet I have a child to remind me every day that it did exist at one point in time...

The blessing which I consider Audrey Grace, is almost three years old now and is truly the reason for it all. She gives me such power, just by looking at her and knowing she is looking right back at me and will soon follow my lead. Knowing this, I do my best to keep it together and move forward...

As I continue to press on, it is hard for me to believe that I've made it this far, knowing that there was a time where I didn't believe that I would even survive the next day. Life is full of surprises, good and bad but there is a reason for it all and I could not even fathom going back to the life that once "was" in which I thought was so wonderful. Note to all, there is life after love, and the grass is definitely greener on the other side. Here's to a new life, a new love, and green grass...

By: MKV

You live and you learn...

It's been a while since I've actually sat down to capture my thoughts...

So, I spent all of last week in and out of doctors offices and even had a grand stay at the hotel de Memorial Hermann, discovering that I had kidney stones, It was most unpleasant, but I survived...

During my stay there, it brought back several memories of when I gave birth to my daughter back in 2007. The room was identical to the one I stayed in before, when I first met her. Ironically enough I was in a similar amount of pain as well. As I laid there unable to move, I started to reminisce on all of the moments that I experienced almost three years ago. The memories I have are often bittersweet. My life was so different back then, and now I am trying to build new memories. Although, I will never forget the night that I gave birth to my daughter...

It all started when I busy shopping with my Mom and Grandmother. I eventually realized that I was in labor after I sat down to watch a movie towards the end of the day. I called my doctor thinking it was just a pinched nerve and he told me to get to the emergency room as soon as possible. I wasn't about to let anything get in the way of my retail therapy, until that point. I was in Sugar Land at the time and I had to some how not give birth in the back of a Lexus while I was in route to the hospital in Katy thirty miles away. Of course, this all happened during rush hour traffic and she wasn't due for another two weeks. While my contractions were at their highest peak, I was making countless phone calls and sending texts to everyone I knew to let them know that Audrey Grace was on her way, all the while, my dad just so happened to be traveling on his way back to Houston from NYC. He was returning to at least a dozen voicemails. I called her "soon to be dad" to let him know and he causally told me he would meet me at the hospital, with no anxiousness under his breath, and I just told him that I'd better see him there. We somehow made it to the emergency room, but just barely! I walked in at six and a half centimeters dilated, and five hours later I had given birth to the most beautiful little angel in the world, my daughter Audrey Grace. Believe me, it sounds easier said than done! She needed to be put in oxygen for another four hours; therefore I was only able to catch a quick glimpse of her face before they put her in the nursery...

That night I sat there like I did this past week just hoping that everything was going to be okay. Going back deep into my thoughts, I vividly remember I had just fallen asleep after four hours of anxiousness and crying and desperately wanting to hold my daughter for the first time when the nurse came in to ask me if I wanted to meet my daughter. I immediately perked up and was so ready to hold my little bundle of joy. At that point her dad had already gone home to go to bed. He felt like he just couldn't stay up or even sleep on the couch they had prepared for him after such a long night of not giving birth, so I got to enjoy this "once in a life time" moment all by myself. I will never forget it. She was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way, as any mother would say. I stared at her all night and into the early morning. I could feel the puffiness and redness of my eyes, but I had quickly gone from being sad to completely overjoyed the minute I got to hold her. I didn't care at that point; I was so in love...

After a while, I decided to call her dad to try and explain to him what it was that he was missing. It was impossible to describe this feeling that I felt, and I was trying to understand why he had already gone home before even meeting his one and only daughter. Meanwhile my mind veered off and just kept reverting back to my sweetheart in hand...

Looking back, there was a part of me that truly felt like it was just the two of us. Physically it was, and I was starting to think the same emotionally. There was a bond she and I developed nine months earlier and when we touched each others hands, it was a bond made forever. That was something I am not sure he would have ever been able to feel, let alone understand...

The next morning I started to have visitors come in to meet her. We were showered with flowers and balloons, cards and gifts. We even received a small plant that was so tiny, so that we could watch it grow as she grew. I still have the same plant in my kitchen and it has grown rapidly paralleled to her. I felt so blessed to have so many people surrounding us and being a part of a moment I knew I would never forget. A little while later her father arrived. The party started to diminish so that he could have "his time" with her. I was torn between thoughts of "what took you so long" and "this is such an amazing moment". I decided to push the negative thoughts out and enjoy the scene of Audrey meeting her dad for the very first time. I cried, it was so beautiful, yet his eyes didn't tear up once...

So as I watch this replay over and over in my mind, I still keep discovering that there were so many missing pieces. I am not sure it will ever make sense to me. That day I learned so much, but I didn't know until now what that was, and so I am back in the room where I was last week just looking around and feeling the moment of holding my daughter for the very first time and hoping that that will pull me through the rest of my days...

By: MKV

Ode to the girlfriends...

My life is full of surprises, whether it be sudden divorce which brought on instant single motherhood or even new friendships. As I sit here and think about everything that has changed over the past two years, I can't help but embrace all of it. I remember being scared to death when I found out that I was going to be raising a child by myself. There was so much that we had already committed to, and I had no choice but to move forward...

As time has passed, my feelings towards life have changed dramatically and my skin has certainly gotten thicker. I've tried to dedicate my time to people that I know have unconditional love for the two of us as we felt so rejected, and they have helped me refocus and gain strength. Once I got to the point where I felt that I could stand on my own two feet again, I leaped into the role where I truly feel I've always belonged. I now serve a real purpose in which I have always searched for and I feel confident that I am exactly where I need to be...

During this transition I was lucky enough to have met some truly amazing people that have saved me in so many ways. They understand exactly where I have been and respect the fact that I have made it this far on my own, as my feelings are mutual. When we have good days, we celebrate and when we have bad days, we cry but either way we are there to support one another, and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have made it this far without them...

I have never enjoyed my life so much as I do now, with my two and a half year old daughter who keeps me on my toes, and my girlfriends that allow me to lean on them at all odd hours of the night. I feel so incredibly blessed to be where I am and to have them in my life! Here's to you...

Back to Square One...

So I am sitting next to the window in my office trying to feel the warmth of the sunshine through the double panes, attempting to forget the fact that I still have four more hours of monotony ahead of me. I have a beautiful “lake view” but the excitement of the children exiting the school bus in the neighborhood kind of take away the general affect. As they all race towards their homes, my mind starts to wander off...

It takes me to that place where I left off this morning, when I woke up feeling amazingly refreshed after a full eight hours of sleep, oh wait no that was my dream within my dream. I don’t remember the last time I actually had a solid eight hours of sleep! So, it takes me to that place where I woke up feeling like my life was somewhat back to normal, whatever that may be, as if I still had a helpful loving husband and my daughter was in her own bed not kicking me in the middle of the night. I miss those days, they were so simple, or so they seemed...

I stop myself and push him off the edge of my mind and collect my thoughts. I force myself to focus on the water, and I pretend like I am somewhere else, hoping to escape just for a little while. My surroundings are a constant reminder of what happiness felt like, the swaying of the trees, the mere sound the leaves, my heart breaks a little more, and I’m back to square one...

So I start to question, how is it that I can pull through an entire day and feel like I am on top of the world, and then the next thing you know, Tuesday hits and I am missing my previous life. I don’t get it. There is no love left for me to give, and there is no way that I could ever forgive him. Yet, somewhere my heart still bleeds, yearning for that feeling of family...

I revisit my first train of thought of when I awakened from my last dream. I try and feel the way that I did right when I woke up, it was so freeing, yet the feeling is gone. It is replaced with nothing, and suddenly the warmth of the sun through the windows starts to burn. I take a second glimpse of the water hoping for a different experience, yet it just brings me back to the entirety of it all, this is my reality, and I'm back to square one...

No Longer Seeking You...

No longer seeking you...
For I have found me

So much gone...
Yet so relieved

By myself I raise her...
Because you had to leave

I try to forgive...
Then there’s the decree

Once there were three...
No longer a family

Looking back...
There is so much I did not see

Life has changed...
We simply were not meant to be

Dreams I had...
Dreams I still see

With or without you...
I still believe

I’m so much more...
Than I ever thought I could be

Once heart broken...
Now complete

By: MKV