That place...

Today, I am brought back to that place. That place on the lake...

The feeling I got that day was the same from twelve years ago. I remember it so vividly, but why didn't I just go... I was so happy, so free...

So many thoughts, so many changes and every time I go back there, my heart still races. It is like a powerful force, and now it is even stronger than before...

Great memories from Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Visiting my family, those days I sure miss. I hold onto those thoughts and remember that feeling, inside my heart I am still dealing...

I stayed here for what I thought was the right reason, but for me he didn't believe in. So much time just gone, it is finally time to move on...

As I sit here drowning in questions, I remember a much happier time before all of these lessons. Experience has taught me well, but it also drug me through hell...

I see two visions, one of me stuck here abandoned and alone, where my heart just turns into stone and the other of me so happy, so free. Others offer me opinions and advice on what I should do... but it is my life, I am going to do what I want to do...

But then I take a step back, take a deep breath and relax. Wondering, am I just running off of adrenaline, I am not sure I can leave all of my friends. I have established such ground, so then I take another look around...

As I look at the life that I have now, it is the life that once was and the main reason why I still can't find love. I am through holding on, for what once was is now gone, never to return, and it just continues to burn...

So now is the time, to finally get what is mine. To live that life I have always dreamed of and possibly find another version of love. God has blessed me with a sweet child and given me the gift of freedom, offering me a second chance, so maybe I should just go and leave this...


By: MKV
7/10/2013

Audrey Grace...

There are moments where it feels absolutely impossible to push forward and stay strong. Where I just want to runaway from it all, but then I look at Audrey Grace and all of those doubts get washed away... She is my heart, she is my soul and my saving Grace. I thank God for her every day, because without her I wouldn't be here today...

By: MKV

The First Day of The Rest of My Life...

Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. Oh wait! Isn't that every day? I am sitting here, indulging in my incredibly salty Ramen noodle soup that is less than filling and thrilling for the umpteenth time and pondering what could possibly be my future. Like I have anything else to do. Life is funny. It's also incredibly tragic, but I would rather it be funny...

It is a heavily humid Fall evening in October that feels very much like early June. i.e. ridiculously hot. I just put in my two weeks of what was the best job I have ever had. Alas, they didn't give me much of a choice. I live as far west as you can go without getting to Austin and was having to drive close enough to Dallas. I couldn't afford to take four freeways, plus 6 tolls to and from and fill up on gasoline every day. Not to mention having to drop off my precious cargo at her daycare, where they had no qualms about taking both my arms and my legs. I wonder if that would qualify me for disabilty...


I often prayed for time and look, I got it! You would think that one can't complain when you get to sleep in every day and wake up to your sweet toddler's face as she says "good morning mommy, do you have to go to work today?"... but it's not all it's cracked up to be. I am unable to sleep at night, due to worry and stress and I am unable to eat for the same reasons. I guess that works out, because all I can afford are ten packages of Ramen noodle soup only because HEB had discontinued the already tasteless flavor. Ultimate low? Hmm, I thought I was already there...

As I stir my spoon in my cold soup to match the pattern of my brainwaves, the noodles are getting bigger and so is my headache. My only question right now is, do I save what's left of this dreadful soup for tomorrow's breakfast or do I toss it and just not eat at all? I think I will go with "B". Meanwhile my daughter is sitting on the couch watching the ever so annoying, yet very entertaining (to her) Nick Jr. and eating her peanut butter and crackers. She loves them. I consider myself lucky because that's the only other option in this house. Besides the sour milk from last week and the half eaten carton of eggs from three months ago. MTV, sorry to disappoint...

What to do, what to do? That's all I keep asking myself. I have updated my resume, sent it out to the world, "networked" with anyone who is willing to listen and gone on four interviews. Why are the God's against me? Or more so the odds? Granted, it's 2011 but I would rather have this be my year, since next year the world is going to end...

My legs are getting stronger from this constant uphill battle, which I guess is the only reason I am able to push forward, literally! After all, I have come this far, there is no way I am quitting now, OR have I? It sure would be nice to stop and take a rest, at least for a little while. Then this leads me to question, is this the rest that I have been asking for, cause I sure haven't slept a wink...

Every day I have an agenda set for myself, to keep me from going completely insane or shall I say, even more insane. The truth is, it still doesn't pay the bills and certainly doesn't do anything for my ego. Where is Kate, who is Kate, this is what I ask of myself. No one really knows, they just think they do. I left my last job for a multitude of reasons, but mainly for the fact that I was working for free. Secondly, for the fact that I couldn't breathe without someone saying something ugly about me, or pretending that I was either a gold digger or still in love with my ex-husband. None of which are true. If that was the case, I wouldn't be sitting here eating Ramen noodle soup...

People don't always understand the impact they have on others, whether it be positive or negative. In this case, it did nothing for me except push me closer to the ledge. Luckily I am afraid of heights. With that being said, I had to find an escape route. You would think working as close to the airport as I was, that I could've easily stepped on a plane to go anywhere but here. Alas, I didn't. I actually decided to drive all of the way home and wait for Calgon to take me away...

So far it hasn't left the dock and it leaves me here, counting down the hours throughout the extremely long day in hopes that a miracle might happen, or at least that someone will send me a Starbucks giftcard in the mail. At this point, someone might have, but I have stopped checking my mail. Hmm, which reminds me, I wonder if the post office is hiring? No worries, I move too fast for them to even consider me a candidate...

Moving right along, if only I could keep up with the rapid thoughts that are running through my mind of how am I going to make it to tomorrow?! Honestly, I have no clue, do you?? Unsolicited advice is still accepted at this time, regardless of what my initial reaction might be. In fact, I have created a "suggestions box" by my front door, next to my Welcome mat. Disregard the social inappropriate Beagles that just want to go home with anyone willing...

The devil on my left shoulder suggests that maybe I should have been the one to have runaway from home and not take any responsibility for all of my actions, but as we know, home is where the heart is. Geez, I can't catch a break. Maybe I should start eating more Kit Kat. Believe me, I had my fair share when I was (pardon me)"happily married" and eight months prego. I hadn't a care in the world, that resembled the reality that is now my life...

Right as I pick up my wooden stick with the the bandana tied to the end and have one foot out of the door, my little girl comes up to me and gives me a warm bear hug and a sloppy wet kiss and tells me that she loves me. Once again, I have been saved by Audrey Grace. I place my baggage down, if you will and sit down next to her. She then climbs up into my lap, where I look into her eyes and say, "baby, I love you too!" With her confused look of mommy, where are you going? I ask myself the same...

By: MKV

Slient Suffering

I sit here quietly, I'm focused on the truth
You no longer care, or was it that you never wanted to

My body aches from the pain I feel inside
Not wanting to speak, and only hide behind these eyes.

I don't know how you sleep at night
After you swore to me that everything would be alright

Every day I am suffering silently
While you throw painful words at me violently

The lengths that I went for you
Top anything that you said you would do.

I'm over it, I'm done
But why am I preaching, cause you already started to run

Where did you go, why did you leave
What happened to us, my heart still bleeds

I continue to sit here quietly
All the while suffering silently.

-MKV

The Beast Inside Me...

Looking back on the past two years, I realized that I have been running from something so dark, so fearless and untamed that it even earned itself a name. It was like a beast was living inside of me that couldn't wait to attack whenever it had the chance. When this monster was formed, it was like the rest of me was put to sleep. There were more times when I felt like I was trapped inside a nightmare and couldn't wake up, whereas other times I felt like I was living a dream and didn't want to come out of this deep sleep...

It's hard to clarify what was real, what actually happened and what shouldn't have ever happened, and I am still wading through the fog. I am not sure I will ever be able to connect the dots, but I will take all of the pieces that I do have and try and put them together as best I can...

With that said, two weeks ago I woke up in shock, realizing the depths of my actions. Therefore sending me into a trance of determination seeking immediate change. I realized the condition I was in and made a conscious decision to stop running while trying to escape this life that was no longer mine. It was like I had an epiphany or a light bulb just went off. I wish I could explain the shift in the earth that I felt that day or the current inside of me that was so strong. It was like my wake up call to finally stop and take a rest and feel myself inside my own skin...

In the wake of it all, I am feeling a sense of peace with a touch of pride. It is the calm after the storm and I am relieved to have survived the trauma caused by my own actions. Not discounting the fact that I learned plenty, but assuring that enough was enough...

Looking ahead I am able to move forward without hesitation, knowing that the beast has been conquered. It was only a matter of time before it may have been too late. I feel blessed having realized what could've easily cost me my life, maybe not in death but in a sense that I was headed down a deep dark path that was eventually going to end one way or another. I was not willing to take that risk...

As I sit here, I am wondering how this will impact the rest of my life. Will those around me be able to see that there is indeed another side to me that will compensate for the beast? Will they believe me this time? Do I still have credibility with them? Do they still love me? My head swarms with these questions and I am left with no real answers. I am hoping to take my next few steps and trust that they are there waiting for me, until then...

By: MKV

Too Much Time, Too Lil' Wine...

It's barely 3 o’clock and I am sitting here wishing it were already 6pm. I am staring out of the French doors of my office where the windows are filled with fog and droplets of water from the long awaited rainstorm and wishing I were curled up on my couch with a warm blanket watching chick flicks or catching up on the rest of my Chelsea Lately that I have permanently saved on my DVR. The rain has subsided and the flowers have gained most of their color back. I will say that It thrills me to know that I don't have to rush home, drag the hose out and spend the rest of the evening watering my lawn. Although these days, I have learned to cope with lugging the heavy sprinkler around if I have a glass of wine waiting for me inside or if my gal pal across the street joins me in watering her lawn, but more importantly joins me in sipping a glass and gossiping. Girl talk never gets old. I often ask myself, why didn't I think of this before?? Life is too short, so consider prolonging it with a glass of Red...

As the time slowly passes I get more and more anxious, but I would really love to see a human being at least once today who wants to consider the possibility of buying a new home, hell I'd even go for just showing them all of the pretty décor that we have inside the model home... cause the monotony of doing nothing is killing me! Meanwhile I have the sound of cars zooming along the Westpark Tollway and well...yeah, that's about it. So I sit here, desperately wondering if maybe I should go set up a lemonade stand out on the corner to lure potential buyers but then again it is cold and rainy...

Knowing that I hate the cold, the idea quickly faded into dust and it brings me to a random thought that wow, Thanksgiving is only 22 days away, crazy! Weren’t we just welcoming twenty-ten?? So much for that diet I was going to attempt "tomorrow" so, I guess it will have to wait until 2011. I'd hate to starve myself during the most vital time of eating...and with Christmas quickly following after that, I know that it would just be torturous and unfair to let others down by not eating their beloved treats. Honestly, the thought of eggnog already has me foaming at the mouth, as if the Pumpkin Spice Latte wasn't enough...

Oy vey which reminds me, I am totally dreading Ash Wednesday and frankly you should too!! I will be without Starbucks for 40 days. “GASP!” (Yes, I know... I am in just as much shock writing this as you were reading it). I am not sure what that will entail, but I CAN assure you that it won't be pretty!! So, knowing that I still have a few months before my drought period, I'd better get it while it's hot...

Having that I've already had my first Starbucks fix for the day and probably year, I don't have much else to look forward to following work. Although, I do like the idea of hitting up the mall for a little retail therapy, you really can't go wrong there... even if you're merely window shopping OR as I like to call it, preparing for Christmas and my birthday...

We shall see what my wild Wednesday night turns into post day labor, but rest assure it will be more than uneventful and borderline exciting...

By: MKV 11/3/10

Freedom speaks volumes...

Today, I sit here thinking about all that has happened over the past year and a half. I can honestly say that I have had more good times than bad and it definitely outweighs the previous year. As I glance back, I remember feeling so helpless and weak, whereas now I am stronger than ever and full of drive...

There was a time where I wouldn't fathom the thought of letting my hair down and now I am unwilling to put it back up! I've met some of the most amazing friends I've ever had in my life and have experienced a lot of new things. I have partied like a rock star no doubt, but I've had the time of my life and that is all that matters, I wouldn't change a thing! I've learned so much about myself and for the very first time, I feel like I am actually free...

Now that I am in my "second" life, I am ready to do things for me. Happiness is a choice, therefore I want to live the way I want to, do the things I want to do, when I want to do them. I didn't have this option before and was certainly being held back. I blame myself for ever allowing that to happen and not letting go initially. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for who I have become...

There is some excitement mixed with fear in contemplating my future and I try and remind myself not to look too far ahead or plan anything. I have learned that my plans are not always what is in store for me and I trust that there is path before me...

I know that I am blessed to have all that I have in my life and ask for nothing more. I am thankful for each day and am at peace with who and where I am at this point. I have accepted the truths that have resulted into this and I try to take each day in stride. For every wish that I have made, I have received yet another blessing...

Freedom speaks volumes and I've finally reached that point. I've gained clarity and inspiration, and I feel that I am capable of doing so much more. I have faced all of my demons and have finally been able to forgive. This being said, I am ready for what is ahead of me and am no longer looking back...

By: MKV